The Smoking Kitchen

Allah Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Woe to our age of lost innocence! Woe to the double-edged sword of technology that amplifies our voices to all, including to those who would punish us for those words! And woe to The Amazing Mumford, whose career eventually foundered due to the tragic coincidence of his choice of magic words and U.S. foreign policy goals! Am I next? I’ve recently been informed that the Pentagon has blocked my website from transmission to its employees.

I’ve attempted to develop a subversive personality, though I’ve preferred to let it manifest itself as a state of mind rather than, say, as any sort of manifestation. As I like to say, life’s short and I’d rather not spend it in a secret prison. My prudence even extended to this website, where I chose to remove such posts as “10 Delicious (and Healthy!) Lunch Ideas for Your Next Holy War” and “Pork: Now There’s a Meat I’d Like to Suicide Bomb.”

In spite of my caution, my contact at the Pentagon received the following message when trying to access my site:

Wanting to avoid the fate that befell The Amazing Mumford, I went backwards through my posts and came up with a list of possible hot words that might’ve tripped the sensors:

• Herbs
• A picture of V.I. Lenin (same link as above)
• Curry
• Stolen and uncited photographs (too many to link)
• An entire post involving time-travel, a well-kept Department of Defense secret
• Curry again!

I actually don’t think any of these items are flag-worthy, so I guess the trigger wasn’t something on the website. Just to be on the safe side, in the future, my posts will be limited to the following topics:

• Potatoes
• How great American food is
• Muppets, except for the aforementioned Mumford, Count von Count, and the Swedish Chef

If my site is squeaky clean, apparently the Pentagon was reacting against my subversive personality. Clearly my prudence is no match for my subconscious. It’s the dilemma of having such a dangerous mind.

So beware the subversive brain, Pentagon! You do not know the thoughts of which I am capable! I shall not shirk my duty - nay, my destiny - to be a theoretical leader in a hypothetical revolution! As long as I’ve been marked as an enemy of the state by a DoD firewall, there’s nothing that’s going to stop me now. Even as your advanced computers are sifting through my blog, I’m thinking about the ways I wish that U.S. foreign and domestic policy was different. And don’t push me - and I’ll know when I’m pushed, because I read the news occasionally - because if I have to, I’ll raise an army of imaginary friends with whom I will have pretend discussions over imported wine about the areas we feel the U.S. government could improve!

Vive la résistance imaginaire!