A Visit from the Future
The following occurred a little over a year ago. I didn’t tell anyone about it at the time because I didn’t want to sound crazy. But certain events have transpired lately that make this incident chilling in its relevance.
I was walking home after work one evening when I was approached from behind by a young man. I was alerted to his presence by a tap on my shoulder…
“Alex,” he said, “don’t panic, but we need to talk.”
When I turned around and faced him, what I saw made my stomach drop. Standing not two feet away from me was a man exactly my height, with my exact hair and my exact face, wearing clothing that looked exactly like clothing that was hanging in my closet at that very moment. Holy crap, I thought.
“Holy crap,” I said. “Who are you?”
“I am you,” he said, “a future you. I have traveled back in time to give you important information.”
“You’re me? But you look skinnier.”
“This is true,” he replied. “Very soon you will get a gym membership and stop eating meals in bars.”
“Awesome. And when did I learn how to go back in time?”
“Don’t ask questions,” he said. “You will learn about time travel in due time. But this…this you need to know about now…” Then he grabbed me by my shirt collar, pulled me close, and whispered, “Close your eyes, for you must not yet learn how to travel through time.”
The next thing I realized, we were standing in front of a brick three-flat in a quiet residential neighborhood. “Who lives here?” I asked. He replied by pointing a finger at my face.
“But it looks so small. Do I have roommates?”
“Yes and no,” he replied. “That’s why I’m here. Do you see that large package on the front stoop? That’s for you.”
“What is it?”
Grabbing me by my shoulders, he said, “That…that is the cat tree you ordered.”
“A cat tree? What is a cat tree?”
“It’s a jungle gym, but for cats.”
“My God…” I muttered. “I own a cat?”
He replied by raising his index and middle fingers. “Two,” he whispered. “You bought another one to make the first one happy.”
“And why did I get a cat tree?”
“To make them even happier, Alex.”
“But…that package is huge,” I said, my voice lowering.
“Fifty-two pounds. Once it’s built, it’ll be as tall as you are.”
“Fifty-two pounds? Jesus, shipping must’ve cost a fortune.”
“About $85.”
“$85??” I gasped, falling to my knees.
“Yes,” he said solemnly, “but don’t worry, your eBay bid for the actual item was only $1.”
“I bid for this? On eBay? But I never use eBay!”
“Nor will you ever again. But you really, really wanted a cat tree.”
“No…no…it can’t be! You’re lying…you’re lying!!”
“Am I lying, Alex? If I’m lying, explain these!” And he pulled up his shirt sleeves, revealing kitten scratches, kitten scratches on his hands, kitten scratches on his forearms. It was terrible.
“Noooo!!!! But why are you telling me this?!”
“Because,” he said, again grabbing my shirt collar, leaning over and pulling me up slightly from the ground, our faces inches apart. His voice was soft but with a gravelly intensity that recalling it even today, a year later, makes me weak in the knees. “Because,” he said,”IT…MUST…STOP…HERE!!!!”
And then he punched me in the face, and the next thing I remember I was lying in my bed in my old apartment. I figured it was a dream until…
[...] eventually was playful fighting, I also remember waking him up from his peaceful slumber atop the cat tree. This incident probably serves as yet another sign that I should hold off on having children for [...]
that looks like the bentley of cat trees
What will you do with the tree after you cook the cats?
[...] An entire post involving time-travel, a well-kept Department of Defense secret [...]