The Smoking Kitchen

Step 1

I’ve started this website documenting my foray into cooking for one simple purpose:

To become unbelievably rich.

The goal is to retire as soon as possible to a secluded beach home where I’ll live a life so privileged that I’ll never have to cook again. The original blueprints I made for my rustic yet jawdroppingly unnecessary estate (which I’ve included below) don’t even include a kitchen in the main home. Since I’ll need to eat, however, I’ve reluctantly added a kitchen to the servants’ quarters, which I guess means I’ll need to give them running water, an amenity not included in my original business plan.

Speaking of my business plan, here’s Step 1:

Start a blog.

During the subsequent steps in which I amass my vast internet empire, you have the opportunity to endear yourself to me, one day earning an invitation to my palatial beachfront property.

The easiest path to endearment involves purchasing ad space on my site. Alternatively, responding to anything I post may also prove effective. Generally speaking, these responses should be polite suggestions for how I can improve my recipes and my general kitchen technique, but I also urge you to intervene whenever you can in matters that may be of a life or death nature.

After all, I long ago removed the batteries from my (what I consider to be) oversensitive smoke alarm. I pray my neighbors can hear my screams for help over the clatter of pots and pans.